It occurs to me as I search for change, that I am myself a great creature of change within one single day. My life may not make a drastic change, my habits and opinions and personality may stay the same. My life may not exhibit the changes I wish to see but in a moment of reflection, I realize change within myself is constant.
Pure contentment with a slow drifting off to sleep if only for an hour before the children awoke.
Resigned to the fact that they would not go back to sleep.
Pride in myself for being supermom, breakfast, multiple diaper changes, hot wheels races and the bathtub cleaned all before 8am.
Quiet insanity with my son going through a phase where he can call my name 18 thousand times in one minute. “Mama, mama, mama….”
Feeling completely overwhelmed at the first day free of depression in quite awhile.
Anger at my husband for taking his anger out on me. Anger at myself for allowing this to deconstruct my entire planned day.
Sadness and desperation when this momentarily drove me back to the dark room.
Frustration when my husband could not control his anger and our fight ballooned to packing his bags, name calling and angry cleaning.
Recovery with a cooling down period.
Shame when I accepted an unwanted loan for rent I can’t pay from my best friend. And then relief.
Determination when my mother showed up and we started cleaning my house.
Happiness playing more hot wheels and watching Disney Junior with my one son and seeing my other son laugh for maybe the fifth time so far.
Hilarity ensues when my mother speaks, as a dog ate her dentures and she has her alternate pair on. Complete with buck teeth and crooked teeth that are brilliant white.
Fear and anger when I read that the U.S wants to go to Syria. Fear for my children and anger that this could happen in 2013.
Absolute joy when my two year old and I go for our daily walk way past his bedtime and he becomes obsessed with the mangiest cat I have ever seen.
Reflection and deep thought reading a book about the parallels between neuroscience and Buddhism.
Hope when I talk to my husband about maybe attending a Buddhist temple in September to help us both focus and improve our minds.
Relaxation watching T.V. eating more chocolate than I probably should.
Lust and intense sexuality in bed when postpartum doesn’t affect my naturally high sex drive and my husband and I have amazing sex that leaves me feeling thoughtful, content and warm and fuzzy.
Love when my son can’t sleep and he walks with his doggy and blanket to sleep in the big bed.
And now…. it’s now.
All in a day. So my conclusion is, if I am capable of changing my mood and mind so much in the span of less than 24 hours, I must be capable of changing my life the way I desire.