Belief In Pizza

This postpartum thing is kicking my ass.

With my first son two years ago I spent the first two weeks of his life really hating him. Wondering why I wanted a child, what is the point?? I don’t know him, he has no personality he’s just this entity that cries non-stop, eats and pees and poos. I was getting zero sleep. Why would I like him?

So I was frustrated that I felt like I had completely ruined my life. It’s all that misconception that as soon as your child is born you have this immediate and all consuming motherly love for them. Uhh lies. Thank you for that, you uber maternal freaks. Your people are making my people feel like terrible human beings for not being like you. “How can you not love your child??” you ask. Because I’m honest, and I didn’t.

Now I’ve come to terms that that’s completely normal. Because at about two weeks old, he started to grow on me. I saw a person, a personality and the way you would any other time in your life, I fell in love. And when you’re in love, you don’t mind sacrificing  everything. You even enjoy it. And now at two years old, he’s the love of my life.

Holy hell but THIS time? I’m three months into my postpartum period and I’m crippled by depression. A dark room is my new hang out spot but unlike the times you surrender to a bad mood or feeling of melancholy, this feeling I cannot control AT all. I love my second baby, no problem with that. This time, I just don’t really like myself.

I have no clue what to do other than try my best to take care of my kids and order a pizza.

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Douglas Coupland Was Right

Douglas Coupland was right. All families are Psychotic.

I’m going to tell you a little bit about my family. Normally you wouldn’t care about a stranger’s family however, this family is quite unique…. look and see.

My father. Seventy year old car salesman. Born in Scotland to an affluent family. Military father. Younger brother, older sister. He’s partied hard since the 60s.  He keeps a bottle of vodka in his car to take the odd swig of. Always wears a button up shirt where he unbuttons half of them. He has in the past had a temper issue. He once kicked the bumper off a truck because it drove too close to him. Womanizer. Women love him even now. Always had multiple girlfriends at a time. First wife they separated, shortly thereafter she committed suicide. Second wife (my mother) they divorced in the 90’s. He’s with an evil shrew of a woman now that he refuses to marry. He’s done a lot of drugs, drank a lot, had a lot of sex and indiscretions but when he was saddled with a two year old toddler that he had no clue what to do with, he stepped up, became Mr. Mom. Laundry, dishes, cooking…. he did it all for me. He always supported his family no matter what. I wish we were still close. Thanks Shrew. 

My Mother – a history of mental problems (I really resent having gotten some of them) in her family with a very intelligent yet psychotic suffragette mother and a very wealthy east Indian lawyer father that worked closely with Gandhi. Her first husband was a younger American from the south, they divorced and had a custody battle over my older sister. Second husband (My father, see above). A selfish human being with good intentions, she spent the majority of her adulthood being a bad alcoholic. I am haunted by being left in a car at 6 months while she passed out drunk in a bar, being told I killed her by hiding her alcohol at 5 years old and being left on a street corner with my suitcase while she forgot me and went to Disneyland by herself. She’s 65 now, sober for over 10 years but still insane. They don’t let her in the U.S. for a 70, 000 dollar government fraud charge yet I have to show her why her Samsung isn’t ringing. She’s a good grandmother though.

Two sisters. Both well off. Both married with children. Twelve and thirteen years older than me. One is a enigmatic business woman with my same sense of humor and a social anxiety disorder. I miss her and wish she lived closer. The other is an aloof housewife that we all struggle to be close to. We have children the same age so I wish we were close.

Aunt- totally loveable and normal.

Uncle- died young from ALS. From what a remember he was a very sweet and hilarious man.

My husband- a 25 year old southern American (sound familiar?) with a problem with drugs, lying and anger. He used to rap. I kind of believe he has Explosive Interruptive Disorder. TBD. Nevertheless a sweet kind hearted man that showed me more love than I thought possible. We are struggling right now but I have faith in him.

I’ve adopted through the years a mother and father from Ohio, a brother from New York, sister from here in town and many cousins from around the world. Honorary titles.

I have two sons. Both of them I was not a fan of when they were born. One is two and one is only a few months old. Now though…. now I’m in love. My oldest is the light of my life, my heart and soul and he is what I live for. My youngest is still new but man he’s cute and a little darling. What I hope for them is everything I didn’t get, some things I did and above all I want them to follow their hearts even at their own peril.

A Letter I Never Sent

Dear *****r,
 
Today you left. You came with your parents and took all your things. You had actually left many days ago but there is some sort of finality in the fact that you have no need to come back. Last night we fought, I learned the truth. I am not a doormat, not pathetic but neither am I a bitch or shrewish girl who is able to constantly keep up berating you, blaming you and guilting you. You wronged me and our son, yes. But I can’t stay angry. Wrong or right, that’s who I am. I loved you so much for so long no matter what terrible things you’ve done it doesn’t change my feelings. To be honest, no matter what horrible things you may put us through in the future, I’ll always love you more than my own life. For the simple fact that for over 2 years you were my life.
 
But. I digress. The point of this email and email address is a present to you and for me and even…in a way for R^^^^^. I truly feel as if my *****r and R^^^^^’s Daddy has dissapeared and been replaced with someone…different. Even learning that you were different for longer than I thought, still I mourn for *****r. And I never want him to miss out on our family. On our son. On me. So… stupid or not I’m going to write to you every day until I feel it’s unnecessary. I’m going to tell you about your son and I. So if one day *****r comes back to us, he will be able to have a small glimpse of his family on the days he was gone.
 
So today you left. Like I said you came with your parents to pick up your stuff. I wasn’t as mad as I thought I would be at you for the simple fact that I missed you being away so much that when you came home today I was just so happy to see you. Your son adores you too. He looks at you like you’re the coolest guy ever. I’m mommy oh sure he loves me oodles, but he just worships you. It’s in the way he looks at you. So you went around packing your things, not as painful as expected. I think because you took nothing that had sentimental value to me. I hid your graduation ring away just praying you wouldn’t ask for it. You didn’t. I’m sure you will one day but I want to keep it for R^^^^^. You allowed me to keep pieces of clothing that were meaningful to me. That meant a lot.
 
For future reference of these emails, THAT GIRL will be referring to S%%%%%%.
 
So, THAT GIRL kept texting you which annoyed me to no end. She has no respect for this situation or for family at all it feels like. I’m overwhelmed with hatred for her which I dislike because it really only hurts myself. I keep hoping that relationship fails real quickly. THAT GIRL talked in her emails about moving in with you at which time I will make it more difficult for you to see your son. I really to the core of my being believe she is a bad person and I don’t want that around my son. I hope it doesn’t mean court. If I lost any sort of rights over my son I might actually lose it. He’s my whole world now. Before he shared my world with you but…well.
 
Your parents were polite to me when they got here but I can tell they aren’t as fond of me as they used to be. I know you gave them splintered truths that made me look bad. Oh well. It’s funny that I’m finding some sort of strength in this situation because normally it would kill me to have anyone dislike me. R^^^^^ of course was in a horrible mood when they got here which was unfortunate because he’s so much fun when he’s a happy kid. But I know they love him nonetheless. Then you and your father left to do something of which I was unaware and your mother and I talked about my pregnancy and THAT GIRL. She said she was disappointed in you. I’m not going to lie, kind of validated my feelings which I desperately needed. And I could tell she didn’t want me to have the baby which made me sad.
 
Then you all got up to leave, said goodbye to the boy, your parents hugged me and left us alone. And then I touched you. Here’s where I may or may not sound pathetic. I love touching you. I love sliding my hands up and down your stomach, down your pants, touching your bum and ####…. just touching you. And I think what I love/miss the most is that I could touch you anywhere, anytime. The freedom of knowing you were mine and I could show you I loved you by touching you. So, I touched you and you stopped me at some point because I know you’re trying to have ‘principles’ about the situation mostly because of THAT GIRL which actually offends me. But once I did touch you the sadness crept in. I fought it off a little earlier sitting with your parents when your mom talked about everyone together for Christmas, but I couldn’t fight it when my lips were next to your neck and I felt your arms go around my waist. So I became just so sad. I didn’t show it, and I think you mumbled some general “it’ll all be ok” sentiments. The boy and I walked you out and then you were gone.
 
I didn’t cry when I came back in which kind of surprised me. I just felt….numb? I didn’t want to do anything. Which is where I decided that my week of working so hard on the house, on the computer and on our son was going to need to be paused for a night. I just needed to do nothing. R^^^^^ didn’t make that easy by going for his last nap way too late and only waking up for a moment before going back to bed for the night… which I’m sure is going to suck in the middle of the night. But now he’s asleep and I guess that’s it for today. I’m watching mindless tv, playing on facebook and writing this. Thinking about sleep.
 
Last night when I tried to sleep, I thought of you in THAT GIRL’s bed and not spooning me and this heavy unbearable sadness just penetrated my whole body and I lay there all night not being able to sleep. Not crying, just literally unable to sleep. Like I forgot how to sleep in that bed without you. It just seemed absurd. So hopefully tonight it’s better. I tend to sleep with the boy more since you’ve been gone only because it’s a little less lonely. I think in some way he actually tries to comfort me, if that makes sense.
 
Goodnight *****r, my love. I grew to love you more than I thought possible and now I can’t shake you. You will always be our Daddy and our family will remember you always. TTYL
 
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