What Did You Know About My Father?

Do you know what a complete stranger could learn about me in a matter of minutes?

They could learn my name, where I live, that I hate vegetables, what my favourite movies are, how long I was in my last relationship, the size of my feet, what colour lipstick I wear and even what I’ve been feeling lately. In all honesty they could learn more about me than anyone who I would physically invite over for drinks would ever know. Note: this is not a rant about the horrors of social media and the intrusion of our privacy. Screw it, I really don’t care.

But as I started thinking about how much I put out there about myself, the more I started thinking that, good or bad… I actually like putting that much personal information out there. Without knocking on someone’s door at 3am telling them that I am contemplating my existence, I can write it, post it, reread it. Call me naïve but I don’t have concerns about my identity being stolen or being stalked. Perhaps that would change if it happened (knock on wood) but I digress…

I enjoy being a warts and all type of person. It’s a huge step for me on a journey of self acceptance (ohm). It allows me to be brave, it allows me to analyze my faults, to open myself to criticism. I’m by no means perfect and the internet and social media could be the ideal place to pretend that I am. Air brush my photo, write statuses and tweets about how everyday I am extremely happy, manufacture fake achievements, pretend to have more friends than I do, just… be perfect. But see…. not only do I not actually want to be perfect in reality, I don’t want to pretend to be perfect either. If you are at all privy to my musings, blogs, social media, emails, whatever… you will see raw emotion, you will see hurt, you will see mistakes, arrogance, low self esteem, naiveté and self doubt. Every day. Of course I don’t want to inspire mass suicides so this will also be mixed in with joy. But when I feel it. I feel like, if you want to know me, then KNOW me. If you don’t, well delete me and while I obsess over why I was deleted, forget me.

So as I thought about how I revel in the big picture I paint for myself on the world wide web and in the minds of those around me, I randomly thought, what about my dad?

Ok let me explain that more. I was thinking about what it would be like for someone who shared nothing?

pt-seniors-22

My dad is older, in his seventies now and he does not understand social media nor does he want to. He is intensely suspicious of it like a lot of his generation. So there will be no status updates from him anytime soon. But beyond that. I’m his daughter, and I know barely anything about him. I’ve seen him cry twice and we never talked about it. I don’t really know what he likes, what he hates, what he wants out of life. I don’t know what scares him, what gives him joy, what makes him reflect. Sure I could tell you what he watches on TV, maybe what his favourite meal is. But if you asked me to paint a picture of my dad, my canvas would be more like a puzzle than anything else. Missing many pieces.

Realistically, he is in the twilight of his life. My sons are going to ask about him when he’s gone. And there is no person, no reference and certainly no website that could tell them what they are going to undoubtedly want to know. I realize that there exists an older, more stoic and reserved mindset. But what does that leave us in the end?

So you could argue about the pros and cons of living a public and very open existence. You could talk to me about privacy and decency and ego. Talk to me about how this phenomena has shaped our culture. Say, back in my day, yada yada yada….

But when I die, my children can look back and know who I really was, flaws and all. Maybe it’s a good thing, maybe it’s not. But I lean towards the former when I think, what does anyone really know about my father?

 

Nerve

When I wish, what I wish for is this.

I wish that I could help you.

I wish that you valued my happiness or my life as much as yours.

I wish that I could take away all your anger with a simple word.

I wish that our children were enough to make you see the truth.

I wish you had never endured the things that shaped you this way.

I wish you didn’t see me as you do.

I wish that I was strong enough to walk away or strong enough to endure.

I wish that you loved me enough.

I wish that you were happy.

I wish that I were happy.

I wish that as smart as we are, as loving as we are, as funny, creative, unique and stubborn as we are that we could live a beautiful, wonderful, euphoric life.

I wish that everything wasn’t so hard.

I wish I didn’t have faith.

Because it never pays off.

Acceptance, Love, Open Mindedness and Whores

Goodnight!! Remember, spread a little love out there people See you in the morn xoxoxo (4 photos)
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  •  
    Douglas likes this.
     
  • Eric  Ah, so THAT’S what they mean when they say girls love to get flowers.
     
  • You know there’s a lotta kids on this fb.if your goina show your a road whore do it some were else.
     
  • Shauna Simpson Shinn Is a road whore like a regular whore with a car?
  • You know wat I’m talkin about shauna .I’ve done and been a lota things But I never put things like this in front of kids.you should be ashame of yourself.and your a mother
     
  • Eric  Hey Shauna, I think we found the douche^ who reported the pics of your kid.
  • Shauna Simpson Shinn There’s nothing wrong with sexuality and the human body. It’s natural and beautiful. I’m not ashamed at all. If sex and nakedness makes a woman a whore then every mother in the world is a whore. Go whores!!
  • No eric I did not and I don’t know wat your talkin about but if you are bout of you wat to throw down I am your man.
     
  • Shauna Simpson Shinn Oh it’s fine. A different generation, a different state, extreme conservatism, people are just different. You just shouldn’t judge others. Even Christians believe that right?
  • Eric  “…but if you are bout of you wat…” Basic English isn’t your strong point, huh?  Internet tough guy, lol.
  • Woman you are so wrong.it is a beautiful thing.but the pictures in front of kids is won’t I’m talkin about airnt you smort enough to see that
     
  • Shauna Simpson Shinn No fighting Uncle Jesse. I’m not a whore. My kids are fine. If someone doesn’t like my pictures then they shouldn’t let their kids look at my page. The pictures are designed to make people feel good.
  • Shauna Simpson Shinn Just being me.
  • Sara  You airnt smort enough…
  • Oh no iam a tuff guy unlike you puss.I may not spell very well but I have alway and can still back back up everything I say.I’ve kick over and seen wat you look like and you ain’t much .any knock can talk thrish from up there
     
  • Shauna Simpson Shinn Yes yes I’m an unsmort whore who’s corrupting a nation of children and Uncle Jesse is going to Internet fight Eric. Does that mean Monday is over yet?
     
  • No I’m not fighting with the little pussy .but I can
     
  • Shauna Simpson Shinn Now Uncle Jesse, name calling is worse than half naked people. Let’s spread some love on this lovely beginning of the week shall we?
  • Shauna Simpson Shinn I love you, you love me but think I’m a whore and I’m ok with that, Eric and Sara like naked people too and I love them and they love me. All our kids love us. Do you SEE all the love around here?? It’s great. Besides, that one girl in the pic had great boobs. Huh, huh? That’s gotta put a little pep in your step 🙂
  • Eric Hey Jesse, if you have to tell people you’re a tough guy, you probably aren’t.  I live in ****, OH.  Look me up when you get to town.  Of course, that means you’ll need to be able to read road signs, and map directions.  Your prospects of doing that successfully seem dubious (dubious means doubtful). 

    All I know about you is that you’re practically illiterate and willing to call people a whore for some fairly tame pictures posted to their own wall, not yours.  Who are these imaginary kids she’s corrupting with those images anyway?  Sounds to me like you’re a large’ish asshole who hates his own life so much that he spends most of his time sitting around drinking, feasting on the regrets of his mis-spent youth, and trying to drag others down into the shit spittoon he calls a life. 

    Like I said, look me up when you get to town and I’ll be happy to test your mettle. (Mettle in this case means personal strength and willingness to back up the blank check your mouth just wrote).

  • Shauna Simpson Shinn Eric you meant to say you love everyone right? Right. Uncle Jesse is my good friend’s Uncle. He’s a war hero and he lives in Texas. Different world. He’s usually a very nice man he just doesn’t like boobies I’m guessing. P.S. Is it wrong I think the word mettle is sexy? Is that adding fuel to the fire?
     
  • Eric  Oh shit, he’s from Texas?  Man, that explains SOOOO much.  LOL!  I mean, sure Shauna, I love everyone.  😉  Heavy metal mettle medal.
  • Shauna Simpson Shinn Aww I got deleted. How does this spring from trying to be positive….. Whores need Facebook friends too 😦
     
  • Eric My apologies if I was too gruff with Moses.
     
  • Eric I really envy your patience and ability to not let me people rile you up…especially people that are so blatantly trying, like him.
  • Shauna Simpson Shinn You can’t be mad at an entire culture of people that believes things like that. I just hope some of them open their minds a little more to love and kindness. Holy fuck we have SO much hate and judging in this world. It’s a BODY. He has one, you have one, I have one. To be appalled at it in an artistic photo means what for our society? That this is a worse thing than war, crime, hate and bullying? I think it’s beautiful. In my opinion only.
     
  • Shauna Simpson Shinn I don’t care if my kids see a naked body. At all. Bad mother award?
     
  • Eric  I think he’s just an old fart who doesn’t understand how FB works.  He seems to think that any kid can see your profile and that’s what he took exception with….but his opening position was calling you a whore, and that just seems..I dunno, asinine?  Maybe that’s too polite a word for it.

The Humanity Concern

I’m getting really distraught lately.

Over the state of the world we live in. I really don’t even watch as much news as I should. I’m busy with kids and I only catch a small portion of what’s going on. But what I do see, chills me to the bone. * I will be sampling various quotes to use the media to expand on my thoughts.*

Now I’m going to take into account that a lot of the media I see is American, as the Canadian media is pretty much non-existent to those who don’t have the time to go search it out. And we all know that American media is fear-based. They want you to be afraid of what they are saying.

Fear-based news stories prey on the anxieties we all have and then hold us hostage. Being glued to the television, reading the paper or surfing the Internet increases ratings and market shares – but it also raises the probability of depression relapse. In previous decades, the journalistic mission was to report the news as it actually happened, with fairness, balance, and integrity. However, capitalistic motives associated with journalism have forced much of today’s television news to look to the spectacular, the stirring, and the controversial as news stories. It’s no longer a race to break the story first or get the facts right. Instead, it’s to acquire good ratings in order to get advertisers, so that profits soar.” -Deborah Serani, Psy.D.

But that’s not the core of why I’m afraid. It’s the global culture of hate and separatism that seems to be consuming the general populace. We focus on the U.S.A but that is because they are the epicentre of media and that’s what we see. In truth, it’s everywhere.

Hate comes from, or is closely associated with, anger; hate gives its bearer a high, and an interminable yearning for more. Hate feeds on itself; it grows on the hater and embraces and engulfs the person into total surrender, so that a person becomes one with it. Hate is like adrenaline: Once it starts flowing, it is hard to stop. It keeps the misanthropes going, and they do not want it to stop. Hate makes the hater feel invincible, vindicated, justified.

And hate begets hate. Hate hardly ceases to enlarge itself. Hate is contagious.” – Pornpimol Karnchanalak

You hear these stories about rape and murder. Corruption in government. Rights taken away. Suicide. Bullying. War. Genocide. Different degrees of hate and disgusting behaviour. This is our world. And I have two small boys to raise in it.

The world will know peace when it is able to pull itself out of the dark ages, when all religion is dead and all minds are open.” -Ben Haggerty

I want to consider myself and my sons to be global citizens. To contribute to society. To help make this world a better place. But at this point, what can we do? Can we stop the killing and poverty and abuse and racism? Now that’s not to say I’m naïve enough to believe that these things haven’t been around in some incarnation as long as humanity itself. But is it just the magnification of the media or is it so much worse than it used to be? Are isolated tales of good and kindness enough to combat the sorrow our society is based on?

It starts with you my good man. We as a society have lost our voice of compassion or rather it has been drowned out by fear and selfishness. Some of us like you and me are at the awareness stage. We realize that there is a problem. The next thing to realize is that you can’t help a single person if you first don’t help yourself. Becoming aware is not enough. You have to act on that awareness. Show compassion and selflessness to the people around you and expect nothing in return. It’s a hard thing to do, not judge your neighbor, but once you’ve gotten control of yourself you have a better influence on the people around you. I see the norm of today being service to self, so I say to you and anybody else that has the question, the place to start is with you. How you interact with the people around you spreads like wildfire. Be the change you want to see in the world and you will see people come out of the “woodworks” so to speak.” -William Bruno

Ok. So be the change. I’ve heard it before and I believe it to be true. But what about the rest of the world? I don’t want to wait for everyone else to understand. It hurts me to see so much pain around me. I want to shake everyone with hate in their heart and tell them to open their eyes and see what they are doing. See what they are destroying. I can live with it but I don’t want my children to have to.

I also believe, that it is part of the human being’s intrinsic nature, to hate. When someone hurts me, I feel it. When someone hurts someone I love, I feel it. An uncontrolled anger that wants to hurt and punish and cause chaos. When I was in second grade, I tore a schoolmates art poster because I wanted to. And I didn’t feel badly. It’s ingrained from the moment we are born. Your circumstanced and upbringing either foster or filter this emotion. But it’s always there.

Professor Semir Zeki and John Romaya of the Wellcome Laboratory of Neurobiology at UCL, examined the brain areas that correlate with the sentiment of hate and shows that the ‘hate circuit’ is distinct from those related to emotions such as fear, threat and danger – although it shares a part of the brain associated with aggression. The circuit is also quite distinct from that associated with romantic love, though it shares at least two common structures with it.

The results are an extension of previous studies on the brain mechanisms of romantic and maternal love from the same laboratory. Explaining the idea behind the research, Professor Zeki said: “Hate is often considered to be an evil passion that should, in a better world, be tamed, controlled, and eradicated. Yet to the biologist, hate is a passion that is of equal interest to love. Like love, it is often seemingly irrational and can lead individuals to heroic and evil deeds. How can two opposite sentiments lead to the same behaviour?“” – University College London

So for me, this is what I’m doing. Every time I feel hatred welling up inside of me, I walk away. I, at great personal sacrifice, discard the pleasure my brain believes I’ll reap from revenge or nasty comments or meanness of any sort. This is what I will do now. I’ve had 27 years of slip ups and the odd hateful outburst. But with the state of this world, we can’t afford one more slip up. I can’t stop the feeling from happening, but I can stop myself from doing anything about it. This won’t change the state of the governments, end hunger, stop violence, encourage education versus ignorance. But it means that I, personally, am not contributing to it. So I can tell my sons that I tried to live in the world how I wish it were. Maybe I didn’t only put love out there for my entire life but I can tell them that it reached a point where I realized, I’m accountable for everything I put out into the world and deserving of everything I get back. I can only hope they live this way too.

Human life is a truly beautiful and amazing gift, and along with the opportunity to inhabit these bodies and this planet comes a great responsibility.  Humankind was given the capacity for unlimited mental processes, and as a result, we are custodians of this planet, and responsible for the advancement and evolution of our species.  In order for humanity to evolve to the next level necessary to create a more peaceful and unified society, each individual must tap into their core of potential and achieve a level of self-realization and improvement, which is the ultimate key to creating a better world.” –Mark Matus

All I can do is continue to try and push love through every open mind and every pair of ears that will listen. I encourage you to be kind. I encourage you to look at the negative and hate-filled things you will encounter everyday and if you cannot stop it from happening, walk away. Being a part of hate is the same as being the beginning of it.

I encourage you to change your own definition of humanity.

It’s Time We Stop Hey What’s That Sound?

It feels much later than it is. It feels late when my eyes start burning. That means I’m overtired.

So I had something on my mind today. I started thinking about it when my husband and I were fighting.

Why is life so hard? And is it hard for everyone?

I can’t pretend to know anyone’s struggles in life, so I’ll just say it’s hard for me. My best friend always tells me that “it doesn’t have to be hard.” “Sometimes you just wake up, go to work, eat and sleep.” ” Make life easier.” Honestly, I could quote him all day because he has given me more pep talks and advice than one person should be given in a lifetime. But I never really understand those things…. how exactly do I do this? Maybe one more quote from him…. “Do something different.”

Ok so tomorrow I want to finally go to a Buddhist Zendo because I really need some focus in my life. And because it’s different. And because it might really help me with my struggles. But “we” decided it is too early. And a fight ensued…. and that’s when I began thinking,

He doesn’t want to fight. I don’t want to fight. Why are we fighting?

I want to get out and do more things, why don’t I? I want to make more money, why don’t I figure out a way to? I want to be healthier, why don’t I eat better, exercise more and take all the medicine I’m supposed to? I want less stress in my life, why don’t I figure out relaxation techniques that work for me?

Why don’t I make my life easier?

I have no fucking clue.

Could it be that sometimes we don’t place enough value on ourselves? Perhaps I don’t think I’m worth the extra effort. Because I know that if I’m at work, I’ll kill myself so that the business does well. At home I’ll bend over backwards so that my kids are happy. The things I don’t work for are things I don’t feel are important. Maybe I’m not important in my own life.

How the hell does that even happen? And are there other people out there that have the same issue?

So… alright. Psycho analysis complete. Now what? Then I begin thinking about something else. I really feel like it’s true.

Love helps everything and everyone. I’m going to put more love out there than I ever have. Help more people. Give away kindness. Teeter on exhaustion until happiness fills the people around me. Strangers even. How does this help me you ask?

Well, I don’t know that it will. I do know if you put out positivity, you often receive it in return. I know that the mood of people around you, alter yours. And I know that sometimes when you stop thinking about your problems, the answer will come.

And if all else fails, at least I put a little love out into the world.

 

 

 

A Day’s Journey (Syria and Sex)

It occurs to me as I search for change, that I am myself a great creature of change within one single day. My life may not make a drastic change, my habits and opinions and personality may stay the same. My life may not exhibit the changes I wish to see but in a moment of reflection, I realize change within myself is constant.

Pure contentment with a slow drifting off to sleep if only for an hour before the children awoke.

Resigned to the fact that they would not go back to sleep.

Pride in myself for being supermom, breakfast, multiple diaper changes, hot wheels races and the bathtub cleaned all before 8am.

Quiet insanity with my son going through a phase where he can call my name 18 thousand times in one minute. “Mama, mama, mama….”

Feeling completely overwhelmed at the first day free of depression in quite awhile.

Anger at my husband for taking his anger out on me. Anger at myself for allowing this to deconstruct my entire planned day.

Sadness and desperation when this momentarily drove me back to the dark room.

Frustration when my husband could not control his anger and our fight ballooned to packing his bags, name calling and angry cleaning.

Recovery with a cooling down period.

Shame when I accepted an unwanted loan for rent I can’t pay from my best friend. And then relief.

Determination when my mother showed up and we started cleaning my house.

Happiness playing more hot wheels and watching Disney Junior with my one son and seeing my other son laugh for maybe the fifth time so far.

Hilarity ensues when my mother speaks, as a dog ate her dentures and she has her alternate pair on. Complete with buck teeth and crooked teeth that are brilliant white.

Fear and anger when I read that the U.S wants to go to Syria. Fear for my children and anger that this could happen in 2013.

Absolute joy when my two year old and I go for our daily walk way past his bedtime and he becomes obsessed with the mangiest cat I have ever seen.

Reflection and deep thought reading a book about the parallels between neuroscience and Buddhism.

Hope when I talk to my husband about maybe attending a Buddhist temple in September to help us both focus and improve our minds.

Relaxation watching T.V. eating more chocolate than I probably should.

Lust and intense sexuality in bed when postpartum doesn’t affect my naturally high sex drive and my husband and I have amazing sex that leaves me feeling thoughtful, content and warm and fuzzy.

Love when my son can’t sleep and he walks with his doggy and blanket to sleep in the big bed.

And now…. it’s now.

 

All in a day. So my conclusion is, if I am capable of changing my mood and mind so much in the span of less than 24 hours, I must be capable of changing my life the way I desire.

 

 

 

 

 

And This I Don’t Understand

I need some intense change in my life.

I posted on Facebook that I needed something to change but I wasn’t sure what. Responses from family and friends echoed the same sentiment. Don’t wait for it, make the change. Be the change. Sounds great and I’m sure I would tell someone that exact same advice.

But what the HELL does that mean?

I’m not happy in life and I want things to be different…. so yeah I’ll make a change right now! But what? And how? And when? I have no clue what to do. So telling me I need to make a change, alright I agree with you. But can you tell me exactly how I might do that?

Is it a change of attitude or understanding that makes the difference? How do I do that? Should I have an epiphany? What exactly brings that on? Where exactly do I find happiness? Oh. Within me? Oh great! Wait…. but it’s there and yet I’m still not happy. Could someone please help me work on my own personal step by step guide to this?

Like:

Step One: Do this.

Step Two: Now do this.

Yeah I know, life isn’t that easy and I need to figure it out for myself. But it’s so frustrating being as old as I am and still not knowing what to do. I thought I’d be a well adjusted 16 year old with her life together and now I’m 27, have two kids, a turbulent relationship and I still want my life to change so we can all be happy.

I know it can happen. But how?

This I don’t understand.  

Belief In Pizza

This postpartum thing is kicking my ass.

With my first son two years ago I spent the first two weeks of his life really hating him. Wondering why I wanted a child, what is the point?? I don’t know him, he has no personality he’s just this entity that cries non-stop, eats and pees and poos. I was getting zero sleep. Why would I like him?

So I was frustrated that I felt like I had completely ruined my life. It’s all that misconception that as soon as your child is born you have this immediate and all consuming motherly love for them. Uhh lies. Thank you for that, you uber maternal freaks. Your people are making my people feel like terrible human beings for not being like you. “How can you not love your child??” you ask. Because I’m honest, and I didn’t.

Now I’ve come to terms that that’s completely normal. Because at about two weeks old, he started to grow on me. I saw a person, a personality and the way you would any other time in your life, I fell in love. And when you’re in love, you don’t mind sacrificing  everything. You even enjoy it. And now at two years old, he’s the love of my life.

Holy hell but THIS time? I’m three months into my postpartum period and I’m crippled by depression. A dark room is my new hang out spot but unlike the times you surrender to a bad mood or feeling of melancholy, this feeling I cannot control AT all. I love my second baby, no problem with that. This time, I just don’t really like myself.

I have no clue what to do other than try my best to take care of my kids and order a pizza.

Douglas Coupland Was Right

Douglas Coupland was right. All families are Psychotic.

I’m going to tell you a little bit about my family. Normally you wouldn’t care about a stranger’s family however, this family is quite unique…. look and see.

My father. Seventy year old car salesman. Born in Scotland to an affluent family. Military father. Younger brother, older sister. He’s partied hard since the 60s.  He keeps a bottle of vodka in his car to take the odd swig of. Always wears a button up shirt where he unbuttons half of them. He has in the past had a temper issue. He once kicked the bumper off a truck because it drove too close to him. Womanizer. Women love him even now. Always had multiple girlfriends at a time. First wife they separated, shortly thereafter she committed suicide. Second wife (my mother) they divorced in the 90’s. He’s with an evil shrew of a woman now that he refuses to marry. He’s done a lot of drugs, drank a lot, had a lot of sex and indiscretions but when he was saddled with a two year old toddler that he had no clue what to do with, he stepped up, became Mr. Mom. Laundry, dishes, cooking…. he did it all for me. He always supported his family no matter what. I wish we were still close. Thanks Shrew. 

My Mother – a history of mental problems (I really resent having gotten some of them) in her family with a very intelligent yet psychotic suffragette mother and a very wealthy east Indian lawyer father that worked closely with Gandhi. Her first husband was a younger American from the south, they divorced and had a custody battle over my older sister. Second husband (My father, see above). A selfish human being with good intentions, she spent the majority of her adulthood being a bad alcoholic. I am haunted by being left in a car at 6 months while she passed out drunk in a bar, being told I killed her by hiding her alcohol at 5 years old and being left on a street corner with my suitcase while she forgot me and went to Disneyland by herself. She’s 65 now, sober for over 10 years but still insane. They don’t let her in the U.S. for a 70, 000 dollar government fraud charge yet I have to show her why her Samsung isn’t ringing. She’s a good grandmother though.

Two sisters. Both well off. Both married with children. Twelve and thirteen years older than me. One is a enigmatic business woman with my same sense of humor and a social anxiety disorder. I miss her and wish she lived closer. The other is an aloof housewife that we all struggle to be close to. We have children the same age so I wish we were close.

Aunt- totally loveable and normal.

Uncle- died young from ALS. From what a remember he was a very sweet and hilarious man.

My husband- a 25 year old southern American (sound familiar?) with a problem with drugs, lying and anger. He used to rap. I kind of believe he has Explosive Interruptive Disorder. TBD. Nevertheless a sweet kind hearted man that showed me more love than I thought possible. We are struggling right now but I have faith in him.

I’ve adopted through the years a mother and father from Ohio, a brother from New York, sister from here in town and many cousins from around the world. Honorary titles.

I have two sons. Both of them I was not a fan of when they were born. One is two and one is only a few months old. Now though…. now I’m in love. My oldest is the light of my life, my heart and soul and he is what I live for. My youngest is still new but man he’s cute and a little darling. What I hope for them is everything I didn’t get, some things I did and above all I want them to follow their hearts even at their own peril.

A Letter I Never Sent

Dear *****r,
 
Today you left. You came with your parents and took all your things. You had actually left many days ago but there is some sort of finality in the fact that you have no need to come back. Last night we fought, I learned the truth. I am not a doormat, not pathetic but neither am I a bitch or shrewish girl who is able to constantly keep up berating you, blaming you and guilting you. You wronged me and our son, yes. But I can’t stay angry. Wrong or right, that’s who I am. I loved you so much for so long no matter what terrible things you’ve done it doesn’t change my feelings. To be honest, no matter what horrible things you may put us through in the future, I’ll always love you more than my own life. For the simple fact that for over 2 years you were my life.
 
But. I digress. The point of this email and email address is a present to you and for me and even…in a way for R^^^^^. I truly feel as if my *****r and R^^^^^’s Daddy has dissapeared and been replaced with someone…different. Even learning that you were different for longer than I thought, still I mourn for *****r. And I never want him to miss out on our family. On our son. On me. So… stupid or not I’m going to write to you every day until I feel it’s unnecessary. I’m going to tell you about your son and I. So if one day *****r comes back to us, he will be able to have a small glimpse of his family on the days he was gone.
 
So today you left. Like I said you came with your parents to pick up your stuff. I wasn’t as mad as I thought I would be at you for the simple fact that I missed you being away so much that when you came home today I was just so happy to see you. Your son adores you too. He looks at you like you’re the coolest guy ever. I’m mommy oh sure he loves me oodles, but he just worships you. It’s in the way he looks at you. So you went around packing your things, not as painful as expected. I think because you took nothing that had sentimental value to me. I hid your graduation ring away just praying you wouldn’t ask for it. You didn’t. I’m sure you will one day but I want to keep it for R^^^^^. You allowed me to keep pieces of clothing that were meaningful to me. That meant a lot.
 
For future reference of these emails, THAT GIRL will be referring to S%%%%%%.
 
So, THAT GIRL kept texting you which annoyed me to no end. She has no respect for this situation or for family at all it feels like. I’m overwhelmed with hatred for her which I dislike because it really only hurts myself. I keep hoping that relationship fails real quickly. THAT GIRL talked in her emails about moving in with you at which time I will make it more difficult for you to see your son. I really to the core of my being believe she is a bad person and I don’t want that around my son. I hope it doesn’t mean court. If I lost any sort of rights over my son I might actually lose it. He’s my whole world now. Before he shared my world with you but…well.
 
Your parents were polite to me when they got here but I can tell they aren’t as fond of me as they used to be. I know you gave them splintered truths that made me look bad. Oh well. It’s funny that I’m finding some sort of strength in this situation because normally it would kill me to have anyone dislike me. R^^^^^ of course was in a horrible mood when they got here which was unfortunate because he’s so much fun when he’s a happy kid. But I know they love him nonetheless. Then you and your father left to do something of which I was unaware and your mother and I talked about my pregnancy and THAT GIRL. She said she was disappointed in you. I’m not going to lie, kind of validated my feelings which I desperately needed. And I could tell she didn’t want me to have the baby which made me sad.
 
Then you all got up to leave, said goodbye to the boy, your parents hugged me and left us alone. And then I touched you. Here’s where I may or may not sound pathetic. I love touching you. I love sliding my hands up and down your stomach, down your pants, touching your bum and ####…. just touching you. And I think what I love/miss the most is that I could touch you anywhere, anytime. The freedom of knowing you were mine and I could show you I loved you by touching you. So, I touched you and you stopped me at some point because I know you’re trying to have ‘principles’ about the situation mostly because of THAT GIRL which actually offends me. But once I did touch you the sadness crept in. I fought it off a little earlier sitting with your parents when your mom talked about everyone together for Christmas, but I couldn’t fight it when my lips were next to your neck and I felt your arms go around my waist. So I became just so sad. I didn’t show it, and I think you mumbled some general “it’ll all be ok” sentiments. The boy and I walked you out and then you were gone.
 
I didn’t cry when I came back in which kind of surprised me. I just felt….numb? I didn’t want to do anything. Which is where I decided that my week of working so hard on the house, on the computer and on our son was going to need to be paused for a night. I just needed to do nothing. R^^^^^ didn’t make that easy by going for his last nap way too late and only waking up for a moment before going back to bed for the night… which I’m sure is going to suck in the middle of the night. But now he’s asleep and I guess that’s it for today. I’m watching mindless tv, playing on facebook and writing this. Thinking about sleep.
 
Last night when I tried to sleep, I thought of you in THAT GIRL’s bed and not spooning me and this heavy unbearable sadness just penetrated my whole body and I lay there all night not being able to sleep. Not crying, just literally unable to sleep. Like I forgot how to sleep in that bed without you. It just seemed absurd. So hopefully tonight it’s better. I tend to sleep with the boy more since you’ve been gone only because it’s a little less lonely. I think in some way he actually tries to comfort me, if that makes sense.
 
Goodnight *****r, my love. I grew to love you more than I thought possible and now I can’t shake you. You will always be our Daddy and our family will remember you always. TTYL
 
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