Nerve

When I wish, what I wish for is this.

I wish that I could help you.

I wish that you valued my happiness or my life as much as yours.

I wish that I could take away all your anger with a simple word.

I wish that our children were enough to make you see the truth.

I wish you had never endured the things that shaped you this way.

I wish you didn’t see me as you do.

I wish that I was strong enough to walk away or strong enough to endure.

I wish that you loved me enough.

I wish that you were happy.

I wish that I were happy.

I wish that as smart as we are, as loving as we are, as funny, creative, unique and stubborn as we are that we could live a beautiful, wonderful, euphoric life.

I wish that everything wasn’t so hard.

I wish I didn’t have faith.

Because it never pays off.

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A Letter I Never Sent

Dear *****r,
 
Today you left. You came with your parents and took all your things. You had actually left many days ago but there is some sort of finality in the fact that you have no need to come back. Last night we fought, I learned the truth. I am not a doormat, not pathetic but neither am I a bitch or shrewish girl who is able to constantly keep up berating you, blaming you and guilting you. You wronged me and our son, yes. But I can’t stay angry. Wrong or right, that’s who I am. I loved you so much for so long no matter what terrible things you’ve done it doesn’t change my feelings. To be honest, no matter what horrible things you may put us through in the future, I’ll always love you more than my own life. For the simple fact that for over 2 years you were my life.
 
But. I digress. The point of this email and email address is a present to you and for me and even…in a way for R^^^^^. I truly feel as if my *****r and R^^^^^’s Daddy has dissapeared and been replaced with someone…different. Even learning that you were different for longer than I thought, still I mourn for *****r. And I never want him to miss out on our family. On our son. On me. So… stupid or not I’m going to write to you every day until I feel it’s unnecessary. I’m going to tell you about your son and I. So if one day *****r comes back to us, he will be able to have a small glimpse of his family on the days he was gone.
 
So today you left. Like I said you came with your parents to pick up your stuff. I wasn’t as mad as I thought I would be at you for the simple fact that I missed you being away so much that when you came home today I was just so happy to see you. Your son adores you too. He looks at you like you’re the coolest guy ever. I’m mommy oh sure he loves me oodles, but he just worships you. It’s in the way he looks at you. So you went around packing your things, not as painful as expected. I think because you took nothing that had sentimental value to me. I hid your graduation ring away just praying you wouldn’t ask for it. You didn’t. I’m sure you will one day but I want to keep it for R^^^^^. You allowed me to keep pieces of clothing that were meaningful to me. That meant a lot.
 
For future reference of these emails, THAT GIRL will be referring to S%%%%%%.
 
So, THAT GIRL kept texting you which annoyed me to no end. She has no respect for this situation or for family at all it feels like. I’m overwhelmed with hatred for her which I dislike because it really only hurts myself. I keep hoping that relationship fails real quickly. THAT GIRL talked in her emails about moving in with you at which time I will make it more difficult for you to see your son. I really to the core of my being believe she is a bad person and I don’t want that around my son. I hope it doesn’t mean court. If I lost any sort of rights over my son I might actually lose it. He’s my whole world now. Before he shared my world with you but…well.
 
Your parents were polite to me when they got here but I can tell they aren’t as fond of me as they used to be. I know you gave them splintered truths that made me look bad. Oh well. It’s funny that I’m finding some sort of strength in this situation because normally it would kill me to have anyone dislike me. R^^^^^ of course was in a horrible mood when they got here which was unfortunate because he’s so much fun when he’s a happy kid. But I know they love him nonetheless. Then you and your father left to do something of which I was unaware and your mother and I talked about my pregnancy and THAT GIRL. She said she was disappointed in you. I’m not going to lie, kind of validated my feelings which I desperately needed. And I could tell she didn’t want me to have the baby which made me sad.
 
Then you all got up to leave, said goodbye to the boy, your parents hugged me and left us alone. And then I touched you. Here’s where I may or may not sound pathetic. I love touching you. I love sliding my hands up and down your stomach, down your pants, touching your bum and ####…. just touching you. And I think what I love/miss the most is that I could touch you anywhere, anytime. The freedom of knowing you were mine and I could show you I loved you by touching you. So, I touched you and you stopped me at some point because I know you’re trying to have ‘principles’ about the situation mostly because of THAT GIRL which actually offends me. But once I did touch you the sadness crept in. I fought it off a little earlier sitting with your parents when your mom talked about everyone together for Christmas, but I couldn’t fight it when my lips were next to your neck and I felt your arms go around my waist. So I became just so sad. I didn’t show it, and I think you mumbled some general “it’ll all be ok” sentiments. The boy and I walked you out and then you were gone.
 
I didn’t cry when I came back in which kind of surprised me. I just felt….numb? I didn’t want to do anything. Which is where I decided that my week of working so hard on the house, on the computer and on our son was going to need to be paused for a night. I just needed to do nothing. R^^^^^ didn’t make that easy by going for his last nap way too late and only waking up for a moment before going back to bed for the night… which I’m sure is going to suck in the middle of the night. But now he’s asleep and I guess that’s it for today. I’m watching mindless tv, playing on facebook and writing this. Thinking about sleep.
 
Last night when I tried to sleep, I thought of you in THAT GIRL’s bed and not spooning me and this heavy unbearable sadness just penetrated my whole body and I lay there all night not being able to sleep. Not crying, just literally unable to sleep. Like I forgot how to sleep in that bed without you. It just seemed absurd. So hopefully tonight it’s better. I tend to sleep with the boy more since you’ve been gone only because it’s a little less lonely. I think in some way he actually tries to comfort me, if that makes sense.
 
Goodnight *****r, my love. I grew to love you more than I thought possible and now I can’t shake you. You will always be our Daddy and our family will remember you always. TTYL
 
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