Belief In Pizza

This postpartum thing is kicking my ass.

With my first son two years ago I spent the first two weeks of his life really hating him. Wondering why I wanted a child, what is the point?? I don’t know him, he has no personality he’s just this entity that cries non-stop, eats and pees and poos. I was getting zero sleep. Why would I like him?

So I was frustrated that I felt like I had completely ruined my life. It’s all that misconception that as soon as your child is born you have this immediate and all consuming motherly love for them. Uhh lies. Thank you for that, you uber maternal freaks. Your people are making my people feel like terrible human beings for not being like you. “How can you not love your child??” you ask. Because I’m honest, and I didn’t.

Now I’ve come to terms that that’s completely normal. Because at about two weeks old, he started to grow on me. I saw a person, a personality and the way you would any other time in your life, I fell in love. And when you’re in love, you don’t mind sacrificing  everything. You even enjoy it. And now at two years old, he’s the love of my life.

Holy hell but THIS time? I’m three months into my postpartum period and I’m crippled by depression. A dark room is my new hang out spot but unlike the times you surrender to a bad mood or feeling of melancholy, this feeling I cannot control AT all. I love my second baby, no problem with that. This time, I just don’t really like myself.

I have no clue what to do other than try my best to take care of my kids and order a pizza.

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3 thoughts on “Belief In Pizza

  1. mckarlie says:

    Is there any chance you may suffer bipolar? This sounds quite similar to the experience i had with both my children. It took me 9 months to bond with my first child, i didn’t hate her but i didn’t fall in love with her for quite a long time, instead i went back to work and tried to do the best i could, feeling like a piece of shit mother. After my second baby, i bonded faster but ended up so depressed i couldn’t cope, i had dissociative issues it got so bad. years later i was diagnosed as bipolar, and there’s a lot of material out there on how pregnancies and bipolar can really mess a person up.

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    • shauna1200 says:

      I’m sure I have something. Mental illness runs in my family and I’ve quite certainly had trouble coping with things in the past. I’m trying to work through it and see what I come up with. I’ve been doing quite a lot of reading on mental health recently. Nothing to be ashamed of it’s the most important thing to keep healthy 🙂

      Like

      • mckarlie says:

        No nothing to be ashamed of at all, i personally found it really helpful to get my diagnosis, things made sense and i could look into the pitfalls of my condition. I draw my strength from my kids, they’re the reason i fight to get better and finding a psych doc was a big part of that. Maybe try watching a documentary by stephen fry called “the life of the manic depressive” i watched it years ago and quite a few things clicked for me. It may not be your diagnosis but it will give you some insight either way 🙂

        Like

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