If you’re selfish, I suggest you don’t have kids. If you are going through a selfish phase, wait until you don’t care so much about yourself, THEN have kids.

I’m not entirely sure I’m selfish but I’m pretty sure this is the diagnosis I keep going back to upon a self evaluation. And I have kids.

*WARNING* THE FOLLOWING MAY OFFEND MANY BLOGGERS.

I am not now, nor am I ever going to be one of those damn mommy bloggers. I love my kids but I am not going to talk about them every second of every day. No thank you. Post your cute “I’m the perfect mom who has laundry problems ha ha ha” I just will not be doing the same.

So anyways… the problem with being selfish and having kids is, there is this constant war within yourself. You love your kids more than you love yourself and you’re constantly angry at the world about it. As screwed up as it is, I miss being able to be self destructive. You constantly feel trapped into living a better life and thriving and providing. When you’re selfish, there is no pressure when it’s just you. But the pressure when you have children, holy moses on fire. It’s this intense mom guilt of, I’m too selfish to be a “good” mom. They deserve better…

Right now, much to my utter embarrassment, I’m trying to cope with some postpartum depression. I’d rather be the raving lunatic I normally am then be lumped in with a bunch of weepy moms that hate their kids. I’m not like that, I love my kids but just happen to be in the post partum period and I…. well I like dark rooms a lot right now. And even with this, some chemical, hormonal monster I can’t control, I feel guilty. Are my kids suffering some huge life altering trauma by me taking (selfishly so) some time to mope in my dark room watching the complete third season of ER? Peter Benton is the worst developed character since 90’s television by the way.

I see these stroller moms who cocoon their kids in bubble wrap, who all waited until their late 30s or early 40s to have children, well adjusted and not at all selfish. They live for their children. And I’m fairly certain, or at least it’s my belief that they suffer no inner cat fight of priorities. They let go of their selfish ways. And it’s all so easy. They can worry about the damn laundry and not about their mental health and competency as a bearer of human lives.

So I really would suggest, crazy or not, don’t have kids if you’re selfish. The worst part is you love them so damn much you wish you weren’t selfish at all. But you’ll turn, slowly and agonizingly into a selfless mom or dad. Skip the agony people.